Saturday, August 24, 2013

Home

Down the back roads of Kentucky, nestled in a curve, and framed by trees, sits a little brick church.  On Sunday morning you will find a gathering of people dressed in their Sunday best looking to find love.  Pews line the walls as you walk down the aisle towards the alter, a wooden bench soaked in tears, drenched in hope, drowning in sorrows.  As the singing begins you won't notice any fancy lighting, slide shows, or mist seeping from under the band.  Just people, their voices brought on by a pitch pipe, and the occasional harmonizing of baby cries . The preacher won't read from an already made script, perhaps he won't need to preach.  And you can visibly watch as the Holy Spirit makes it's way around the small, but powerful congregation.  This is home.

Nearly 20 years ago I found salvation on that wooden alter.  That's where it all begins.   I find myself right back on that cool October night.  From the outside looking in, not much has changed.  The same hymnals still echo off the walls, many of the same faces fill the room.  And the smell,  that smell , I don't think that will ever change.  But it's different.  20 years ago I was a kid.   Some have gone on, some have moved away, others quit coming.  Many new faces, and  many the same, though the mark of time has enhanced their beauty.  A lot can change in 20 years, and a lot can stay the same.   No, it's not exactly the same, but that smell, that feeling, the Holy Spirit, yes that has always been a consistent piece of home.

I've been away from that home for four years now.  Finding time during short trips back to make my way to that brick church. I have learned a lot in those four years, and grown more in my faith away than I believe would have been possible there.  I've carried that October night around with me, and learned that Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit is in me.  It isn't something you go out to "find", but something embedded inside of you.  It's something that once you find, though you may forget it's there, it can never be lost.

So it's my prayer that through life I grow more in love with God and Christ.  That I get to know them on a deeper level.  That I challenge myself each and every day to never become complacent in Christ, but to remember I am born of Christ. I can always do better, be better.  I don't want to simply walk like Christ, but with Christ, each and every day.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Project...

I'm working on something. It's not a pinterest craft, sewing project, or a new toy organization system (although I really should get on that).  I am working on becoming the wife that I feel God wants me to be.  I spend a lot of time with my children.  They quite literally are my life.  They wake me up to start the day, and fall asleep cuddled close in my arms during the night.  I've been there for every new word, first step, boo-boo, and refrigerator worthy art.  They are the air I breathe.

But something has felt off lately.  I remember as a young woman my mom always talking to me about becoming a mom.  It was stressed that one should be ready for the sacrifices that come along with such responsibility, it's not to be taken lightly, and your life will no longer be your "own".  Yes, it was part of "the talk", but it stuck.  I do believe in all of those things.  That someone who is old enough to enter into parenthood should also be mature enough to accept responsibility.

So I've worked on being a good perfect parent, if there is such a thing.  I put every single bit of myself into my kids.  I'm not saying it's worth it because it totally is.  Nor am I saying I regret it.  They are the hardest and most rewarding job/work I have every been blessed with.  But somewhere on the trip from newlyweds to parenthood my husband and I lost a bit of our relationship.

Let me first say that I love my husband deeply, and he does me as well.  And no we aren't going through some horrible rough patch.  It's just a realization I think I came to.  I guess I owe that eye opener to the following blog... Butler Party of 2 .

This post hit me hard, like slap in the face hard. I love being a wife and a mom, but I am shameful to admit that it doesn't always feel like "enough".  As if something more, better should define me.  What's better or more than raising kids, creating a home, and living a life in love!? I don't know, but that selfish side of me can grab hold.  This blog post reminded me that I'm not just in this marriage for me, my husband, or my kids, more importantly I am in it for God.  He created Josh and I for one another, and was generous enough to let us borrow two of His precious babies.

So I am working on it.  I am working on joyfully doing dishes, and folding underwear.  Rejoicing in the few quiet moments my husband and I can get alone, and realizing that while sweeping the floor and scrubbing toilets often goes without thanks or recognition, God sees my work, my effort and my heart ALL of the time.  And the blessings he gives me are more than I deserve for doing a few chores a day.






Thursday, August 8, 2013

Breaking Point

I reached that point, where it's hours past bed time, but the kids are still running around like a group of ants whose hill has just been trampled on.  That point where all I could do was simply sit and cry.  So I did.  I cried and I prayed, and eventually I begged my kids to listen.  They didn't.

This isn't a "woe is me" kind of post.  I'm not so much into them.  But I did promise to tell the truth.  And in the life of motherhood, parenting, the truth isn't always laced with sugar, covered in icing with a cherry on top.  The truth can be miserable, defeating, and lonely. 

So I reached my breaking point.  After 3 days of body aches, upset stomachs, fever, coughs, runny noses, little sleep (and always with a child on a shoulder) endless laundry, constant sweeping, wiping, mopping, and catering to every little need.  I reached my breaking point, and I sat and cried.

It wasn't the first time, and I know it won't be the last. But amidst the snot laced, teary pleading a light of hope.  Lena came over, put her arm around me, kissed my cheek and simply said "It'll be okay Mom".  (My three yr old refers to me as Mom now, another attitude laced post for another time)

And she was right.  It was okay.  Sometime after midnight both kids settled down and slept.  One on each of my sides cuddled up close, snoring.  It was beauty and blessings at it's finest.  I reached a breaking point, and my innocent grown-up three year old was there to remind me that it will be okay.  On the other side of a storm, you can find a rainbow.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Day dreaming

My husband and I were just born in the wrong era.  Is that just me, or do you all ever have that feeling too!?  Me, I love all things antique, including but not limited to Victorian Homes, 1940s hair styles, bell bottom jeans, records, swing music, men in suits, well you get the idea.

I have this dream of owning a 19th century home.  Something that's been lost over the decades, but still holds on to that charm and character of the old world beauty.  Josh and I would LOVE to bring something like that back to life.  And more than that raise our family in it.  Just thinking about Christmases with my grandkids around the piano in the great room gets me all crazy excited. 

What it must have been like to have elegant parties with the men in the back smoking cigars, drinking brandy while the women gathered in their finest dresses, adorned in beautiful hats, sipping tea over the latest gossip.

**sigh** and then my mind whips me right back into reality.  Yeah, daydreaming can be nice, but I think I will take my air conditioning over that fantasy any day!

Friday, July 26, 2013

Relationships..

Hey there blog world!  And welcome.  I have to start this post by giving a HUGE shout out to Jenn over at Munchkin Lands.  She created this amazing look for me, and I couldn't be any more happy or excited with it all!

During Ellen Degeneres' first show, she came out to do her monologue and began by saying she was starting up a new relationship, and was committing (to her audience) to be there every day.  So that's what we are doing here. Starting up a relationship.  To be honest, I haven't figured out where this is going to end up.  I'm not even sure I know what I want out of it. I do promise to commit to it and give it all I've got.

As a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) of 2 toddlers life can be interesting, ugly, down right nasty, and completely beautiful.  So let's just start there....with life!
This Southern Belle
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