Thursday, January 29, 2015

It won't get any better.

The church service before Christmas I took Lena Belle to Sunday school.  I grew up in a small old time church.  Sunday school is at 10, church is at 11.  There is no nursery, and no "entertaining" or pacifying the kids.  You're at church, together.

I walked into my little church in the middle of the Sunday School prayer.  I stood quietly in the doorway with my oversized plate of cookies, while Lena skipped to her seat.  My heart was already so full, so blessed, so happy.  Praying on the way there I came to this realization that we have been promised Heaven.  I mean, WOW!!  HEAVEN!!  Seriously, it absolutely just can not, will not get any better than that promise.  Any other blessing here on earth is just extra.

I found myself watching the men bowed on the floor, with tear stained faces.   I thought, people don't pray like this anymore.  We don't see a lot of people humble themselves before the Lord.  Crying out for forgiveness, for His love.  Christians today go through these motions.   There is this image of what it is supposed to look like to be a Christian today.  In the modern world you wear Toms, read the bible on your iphone app, and listen to heavy metal Christian music that sounds more like something you scream at your teenager to turn down, then that of worship.

I know, I know, worship comes in all forms.  But what has happened to the heart of the Christian.  I see a lot of social media Jesus shout outs today, people quoting Bible verses online who rarely, if ever truly open up their bible.  It's easy to say you are a Christian, but so much harder to actually walk in the Faith.

I say this from a place of love, and complete humility and understanding.  I have always considered myself a Christian woman, even in times when I was not even close to leading the example of the life I should be working on living.  It was that Sunday morning, during that prayer, watching those men, and catching the smile of my four year old that my heart changed a little.

I know what salvation feels like.  It's electrifying, undeniable, it makes you feel as though you are floating on air.  And when you find salvation, feel the Holy Spirit enter in, you won't forget it.  It's magnificently humbling.  I remember my husband and I once talking about how going to our church always seemed so sad.  For the most part we are right.  There's beautiful rejoicing, but the congregation knows exactly what it means to bow before God.  Nothing I have ever done in my life, or will ever do in my life will be enough to repay Him the sacrifice made or say thank you.  This gift, this promise, Heaven....well I am so unworthy.  Yet He would disagree.  Offers it to me with love, grace, understanding, and forgiveness.  

Yes, my heart changed a little that day.  My knees buckled, and I believe I might have cried the entire service.  I hugged everyone and told them all how much I love them.  I missed my Grandmother and Grandfather and pictured that reunion we will one day have.  I held Lena a little tighter after she came out of her lesson that morning.  I forgave, I loved, I prayed, and I decided that day to start living the type of life I wanted for me, for my family.  A life that will never truly be worthy of the promise, but one that is sure going to try it's hardest to be.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Realizing....

We've been back home now for a little over a year.  There are things that have turned out exactly like I thought they would, and others that haven't gone as planned, with a few surprises thrown in.  In all, I can say that moving back, after being gone for so long, has taught  me more than I ever imagined I could learn about myself.  I thought moving away had done that, but maybe we are just constantly learning.

The thing that has been the hardest to face is that I am not at all the person I like to think I am.  Seriously, really hard to say that!  I have realized that I have a difficult time letting go of me, the me of the past.  Living 8 hours away from home I had this completely unique way of living.  In NC I was a dedicated SAHM.  I spent 100% of my time with my family.  When I visited home I was free to do as I pleased.  Grandparents usually wanted every minute they could get with the kiddos, and I found myself able to hang out with friends and do as I pleased during the visits.

Events, completely unrelated to any of this, forced me into prayer.  I have been working hard lately to lean more on Jesus in everything I do, not just the big things, but everything.  Needless to say, I spend a lot of time talking aloud to God.  The prayer started out with me asking for help with forgiveness, and quickly turned into something I didn't even know I was struggling with.  It's funny how He works.

I have this deep desire in my heart to live a certain way, raise my kids a certain way, work on certain relationships etc etc.  Nothing I want is out of my reach.  In fact the Lord has literally moved mountains to give me what I want, all I have to do is say thank you and take it.  What I didn't know was that not letting go of who I was, was interfering with who I want to become.  I have been so afraid to take the steps to live this life, because deep down I know that in order to have that, there are parts of my old life I will have to say goodbye to.

Life is like that.  To have something you have to sacrifice something else.  I guess the challenge is being able to decipher the important parts of life.  Understanding that what you gain could be much more fulfilling than what you're giving up.  It's the unknown that's scary.  But I guess we will never know unless we try.....

Until Next Time.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Resolutions...

We are just into our first week of the year 2015, and while some are holding on steadfast to those self-made promises of losing weight, working out, giving up soda, I'd say most have forgotten to even begin on their "life changes".  Maybe your like me, someone who resolved to not make a resolution.

I know it sounds slightly off base, but every year I make a promise to myself and every year I break it.  Eventually.  So I am giving it up.  From here on out if I want to do something, I will just simply do it.  No promises, no resolutions, just doing.
This Southern Belle
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