Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Realizing....

We've been back home now for a little over a year.  There are things that have turned out exactly like I thought they would, and others that haven't gone as planned, with a few surprises thrown in.  In all, I can say that moving back, after being gone for so long, has taught  me more than I ever imagined I could learn about myself.  I thought moving away had done that, but maybe we are just constantly learning.

The thing that has been the hardest to face is that I am not at all the person I like to think I am.  Seriously, really hard to say that!  I have realized that I have a difficult time letting go of me, the me of the past.  Living 8 hours away from home I had this completely unique way of living.  In NC I was a dedicated SAHM.  I spent 100% of my time with my family.  When I visited home I was free to do as I pleased.  Grandparents usually wanted every minute they could get with the kiddos, and I found myself able to hang out with friends and do as I pleased during the visits.

Events, completely unrelated to any of this, forced me into prayer.  I have been working hard lately to lean more on Jesus in everything I do, not just the big things, but everything.  Needless to say, I spend a lot of time talking aloud to God.  The prayer started out with me asking for help with forgiveness, and quickly turned into something I didn't even know I was struggling with.  It's funny how He works.

I have this deep desire in my heart to live a certain way, raise my kids a certain way, work on certain relationships etc etc.  Nothing I want is out of my reach.  In fact the Lord has literally moved mountains to give me what I want, all I have to do is say thank you and take it.  What I didn't know was that not letting go of who I was, was interfering with who I want to become.  I have been so afraid to take the steps to live this life, because deep down I know that in order to have that, there are parts of my old life I will have to say goodbye to.

Life is like that.  To have something you have to sacrifice something else.  I guess the challenge is being able to decipher the important parts of life.  Understanding that what you gain could be much more fulfilling than what you're giving up.  It's the unknown that's scary.  But I guess we will never know unless we try.....

Until Next Time.

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